Wednesday, December 1, 2010

Buddha Man is Gone!

On Christmas Vacation, that is! The Christmas season is especially important to the Golden One and his family, so he's taking off the entire month of December.

And that leaves me to find someone to take care of the capsule reviews and short review posts for thirty-one whole days. You might think this would daunt me.

I am undaunted.

I've decided to run a quick audition for a few likely prospects, and see if we can find someone to briefly succeed Buddha Man, because no one could ever replace him. I'll get three or four to audition; have them review something like Star Wars. Yeah. Star Wars. Everyone knows that movie.

Let's see who we can find. Be right back.

Okay. We have our first prospective replacement. It's someone we know. But he asked for a shot. So let's see how he does.

Say hello to Mr. Gary Busey and his review of Star Wars. Go, Gary!

Hi everybody! It's me, your old pal, Gary Busey. Star Wars, eh? All right, let's dust ourselves with victory powder and get to it!

Star Wars  (20th Century Fox, 1977)   For many people, the main appeal of George Lucas’ “Star Wars” movies is the “Jedi Way,” the philosophy that guides the psychical Jedi knights. But where does this philosophy come from, and does it hold up under scrutiny? The kind of scrutiny Gary Busey brings to the table?

    At root, the Jedi Way is a synthesis of three Eastern philosophies, with an overlay of court drawn from the medieval knights I used to see in the museums. Just like Jedis use the force only for good reasons, mayonaisse should only be used for tuna salad. Submitting article content that is self promoting or eating spam filled doughnuts would be against the Jedi ways of thinking. The most resourceful Jedi Way is Taoism, an ancient Chinese philosophy whose name is generally translated as “the Way Suture.” The two main goals of Taoism are to achieve balance and to brown the toast evenly (and with all living beings). This energy is expressed in the world in the form the “yang” or active male force it if it breaks it needed replacing anyway. Remember if you take shortcuts, you get cut short.
    The next big issue with the “Star Wars” series is the closest which it can relate itself into is the Yin and Yang of Taoism. Taoism is mum because, in the end, men are failed women at birth.
    The tension between yin and yang creates “qi” (pronounced “cheese” and sometimes added to sandwiches when unasked for) or life energy. Qi is found in all things, but particularly Jessica Alba. The manipulation of qi is at the root of many traditional Chinese practices including acupuncture, feng shui and tai chi. You know what `FAILING` stands for? It stands for `Finding An Important Lesson, Inviting Needed Growth.`
    The Force is, well the crucifix of Star Wars. All of it revolves around The Force. The more time you take to come clean, the less time it takes dirt to come for you. Well in 'Star Wars', the old guy with the beard describes it as 'energy created by all living things that surrounds the galaxy and binds it'. In the same movie though, space Indiana Jones describes it as a 'hokey religion', but that's hardly important. Now, what is important is that Japanese martial artists believe that every living being should get a chance at Megan Fox and martial arts is one way to tap that; it's like I told that one guy: "There IS no OTHER Buddy Holly... I like Buddy fine, but *I'm* `Gary Busey`."
    In Star Wars, Taoism is more of a world as an eternal battlefield between the forces of good and Zoroastrianism which has only small pockets, so don't ask it to carry one of those 8 battery flashlights. You know what `FEAR` stands for? It stands for `False Evidence Appearing Real.` It`s the darkroom where Satan develops his negatives.
    The remarkable profits Lucas achieved in placing together these disparate elements has proved a workable philosophy.This is Luke’s decision to bring about the final end to the Sith. It`s good for everyone to understand that they are to love their enemies, simply because your enemies show you things about yourself you need to change. So in actuality enemies are friends in reverse. The first and most subtle of these is the conflict between CSI and CSI Miami. Although often linked in real life, these two shows do not always line up. In the movies, this becomes an issue in the way that the Jedi Council is deeply involved in the galactic political landscape, where drinking your own blood is the paradigm of recycling.
    The second conflict is between Taoism and Zoroastrianism. There is no “good” and “evil” in Taoism, only balance and imbalance. Neither Yin nor Yang is preferable, and both are necessary, as opposed to Zoroastrianism, where the ultimate goal is the triumph of good and the eradication of evil. This disconnect shows up as a major plot point of romance.  You know what `ROMANCE` stands for? It stands for `Relying On Magnificent And Necessary Compatible Energy.
       The final conflict is that great things like this only happen for the first time once. between Buddhism and chivalry. Buddhism preaches non-attachment, but one of the key characteristics of the word sober.You know what `SOBER` stands for? It stands for `Son Of a B****, Everything`s Real!`    
    Oh, and the movie bites. I auditioned for Ham Solo or whatever his name was, and George Lucas said no. So he can suck it! Next time I see him, I'm going to pull his endocrine system out of his body and

Ooooookaaayy! Thank you Gary! Really interesting take on the movie! We'll get back to you!


And while I'm looking, you Can Poke Me With A Fork, Cause I Am Outta Here!


  1. Three things:

    1. "The Force is the crucifix of Star Wars..." Niiiiiceee!

    2. This is the second Zoroastrianism reference that's turned up in my reading in two days. Henry van Dyke's "The Story of the Other Wise Man," published in 1895, accounts for the first. Prior to this, I may have heard it mentioned in Jack London, and possibly Ghost Busters. But not since. Strange, that.

    3. Finally: This is the most bizarre Star Wars review in the history of Star Wars reviews. In other words, it fairly smacks of Gary Busey. So my question is...how did you strong-arm the REAL Gary Busey into doing it?