Buddha Man!

Buddha Man Hijacks the Blog!

Yes, it is I, Buddha Man! I am tired of reviewing only one movie per posting! Now I will give you the quick lowdown on several flicks all at once! Don't expect all that "Let's Get Some Candy in Our Eyes" stuff either. Machete may not text, but Buddha Man doesn't shtick.

The following movies rate a smile from me.

Paper Man (20th Century Fox/TV, 1971) - Four college students led by Dean Stockwell get together for some credit card fraud when one of them receives a card in the mail under a different name. Some punch card whiz bangery later, that name has a fictitious identity in the university mainframe. Shortly after, as the credit card charges build up and are erased, the computer system, which is integrated into all of the electrical and mechanical systems in the building, apparently develops its own ideas and starts working to bump off the students.



Dean Stockwell realizes he left out a "Goto" on line 10,030.

Some clever twists and a creepy robotic medical dummy figure in to this fairly interesting TV movie (that also played a few theaters, hence the Fox logo on front). Found on a bargain DVD along with another TV movie starring Stockwell, this also stars Stefanie Powers, James Stacy, and James Olsen.




The Fiction Makers (ITV, 1967) - Roger Moore stars as the Saint in this very entertaining feature cobbled together from a two part episode of the long running TV series. After attending the newest superspy "Charles Lake" movie with the film's female lead, Simon Templar is called in to a meeting with reclusive author Amos Kline, creator of the Charles Lake books. Simon is delighted when Amos turns out to be cute-as-a-bug Sylvia Syms. He's less delighted when a band of nutters who style themselves after Charles Lake's archenemy group S.W.O.R.D. and their diabolical leader Warlock kidnap them to press the inventive Kline into planning the perfect heist from the impregnable Hermetico, Inc.

The buzzing of that damn fluorescent halo was going to drive him mad.

What makes this so much fun is that the whole thing is a send up of James Bond (more the books, only a little of the movies, but still...) six years before Roger Moore took over the role. Highly recommended, also starring Nicholas Smith (Mr. Rumboldt himself!) and Philip Locke (Vargas from Thunderball!)




Bug (Curb Entertainment, 2001) - Featuring a large cast of familiar faces, this indie flick is a long connected chain of events crossing several familiar faces (including John Carroll Lynch, Jamie Kennedy, Sarah Paulson, Brian Cox, and Ed Begley Jr.).

It gets going when a kid stomps on a bug. Lynch stops his car in the middle of the street and gets out to admonish the kid about the sanctity of life; this gets him a parking ticket, which leads into the next little piece of the story and eventually forms a long string of cause and effect vignettes. Very clever scripting and direction and a solid cast put this over and make it well worth a look. Also with Alexis Cruz.

I mostly frown at the flicks below, but you may feel differently.

Star Trek: Nemesis (Paramount, 2002) - Leading up to its release, this flick seemed to have everything going for it - the whole cast was returning, it was one of the even numbered sequels, the script was by Oscar nominated Trekker John Logan, and they were bring in new director Stuart Baird to orchestrate it all to glory.



Villain Shinzon is pissed he has to wear Pinhead's hand-me-downs from Hellraiser.

So what happened? Well, lots, in my humble opinion: they gave too much preproduction input to Patrick Stewart and Brent Spiner, so the movie is very Picard and Data heavy; Logan may know his Star Trek lore, but did he think we'd not notice that he lifted whole scenes and plot points from earlier Trek movies (Data's climactic actions (Star Trek II) - Riker giving secondary baddie Ron Perlman the boot (Star Trek III)?); NEVER make your main baddie a clone of the lead actor - either your lead will play both parts and turn the movie into a giant wank for himself or they'll cast a different actor as the clone (as they did here) and we'll never buy that these are the same guy (as we don't here); oh, and they did let one actor play two roles, too, (Spiner as Data and brother android B-4) and sure enough, long and tedious Spiner wanking moments ensue; director Baird was apparently quite the jackwagon on set, and the contempt comes through into the movie; the idea of making the Romulans' neighbors the Remans look like vampires from Blade doesn't work at all; and finally, the producers and Baird somehow tied every good bit to a clunker bit- Riker/Troi wedding - good/Data singing at the wedding - bad. Wesley Crusher cameo - good/Having all of Wesley's dialogue on the cutting room floor - bad. Setting up the plot with a mystery on a sun baked, washed out planet - good/The solution being another android brother for Data played by Spiner and turning the scene into a dune buggy race - bad. It has enough moments to warrant a look for completist fans, all others might want to skip right to J.J. Abrams's reboot from 2009.



Mother, Jugs, & Speed (20th Century Fox, 1976) - The late great Tom Mankiewicz wrote and produced this "dramedy" (a word I'll use as often as it's warranted) about a privately run ambulance company and their misadventures. On the positive side, it's got a fun cast, including Bill Cosby, Raquel Welch, Larry Hagman, Bruce Davison, Allen Garfield, LQ Jones, Dick Butkus, Severn Darden, Bill Henderson, Toni Basil (as a junkie - !), and Ric Carrott (wonder if he ever worked with Fred Asparagus?), and it has some clever and funny moments, but to me, the movie bogs down when it gets serious, which is often. Also, third lead Harvey Keitel is as miscast as miscast can be as a romantic lead shmoozing with Welch.



lliB ybsoC sevird dna ecurB nosivaD rehtar yllacinori sedir nugtohs.

I understand Mankiewicz was going for humor on the dark side, but an awful lot of people get shot in this movie. My folks loved it back in the day, maybe I brought the wrong expectations to it. If you like the cast, give it a try. Me, I think the funniest thing about the whole deal is that they tried this as a TV pilot a couple of years after the movie came out, but had to change the title to Mother, Juggs, and Speed, making the female lead a woman named Jennifer "Juggs" Juggston so no one would think they were crassly referring to her bosom. And that's all I'm gonna say about that.


That is all for now, thank you for attending my words. And remember, if you lived in this blog, you'd be home now.

Six Feet Two, Eyes of Blue And Oh Boy What That Gal Can Do!

Galaxis (Interlight, 1995)

Before the Camera:

Brigitte Nielsen   (Red Sonja)
Richard Moll   (TV's Night Court)
Craig Fairbrass   (Cliffhanger)
John H. Brennan (TV's Bordertown)
Fred Asparagus (Breakin' 2: Electric Boogaloo)  (<----Wotta Moniker!™)
Roger Aaron Brown (Star Trek: The Motion Picture)
Cindy Morgan (Caddyshack)
Kristin Bauer (TV's True Blood)
Alan Fudge (Capricorn One)
Louisa Moritz (The Last American Virgin)
and
Sam Raimi (!) as the Nervous Official



Behind the Camera:

Directed by William Mesa

Produced by Patrick Choi, Nick Davis, William Mesa, Patrick Peach (Wotta Moniker!™) and 5 other assorted producers

Written by Nick Davis


    We start right out with a narrator so chatty he starts blabbering before the credits are over, proving to be the young voice of Lord Tarkin (played onscreen as an adult by Britisher Fairbrass) and setting up the story to be about him and his adventures. Bad guys are attacking Tarkin's planet, Sintaria, and scads of people are running for the bunkers as spaceships fly over zapping all with lasers and bombs. Among the runners is Ladera (Nielsen), Tarkin's Amazonian sister with a strangely nonmatching accent. As she tries to save as many refugees as she can, Tarkin is arguing with his bunker commander (Bauer) and the Nervous Official (Raimi) about what to do to save Sintaria.




In a clever bit of camouflage, the underground bunkers go up. Genius! No one would look for them there.

    Finally, Ladera makes it into the bunker, which is now under attack by a tricky undercover cyborg/robot thing (terrific mix of stop motion and animatronics here) but then Chief Baddie Kyla (Moll) strides in (very easily, I might add) and things go even further downhill. Thanks to the Nervous Official's Space Weaseldom, Tarkin is killed (so what was up with that narration then?) and Kyla makes off with the McGuffin Crystal, source of all power, energy, and birthday cake for the Sintarians. Ladera drops to her knees (a considerable distance - she's really tall!) and bellows NOOOOOO...
    ...which almost makes her miss Tarkin's dying words. We hear them though, as he whispers that although Kyla has stolen the crystal, there's a spare crystal (luucky!) hidden away on a backwater planet - all Ladera has to do is retrieve it. (Lesson #1: No matter how many resources it takes or how rare the first one is or how much it costs - always have a spare crystal constructed.)

"I just hope the spare's not one of those balloon crystals where you can only run your planet at 50 gigawatts for a few decades..."

     Cut to everyone's favorite backwater planet, Earth, circa 1995. Adventurer Jed (Brennan) has recently returned from Peru, where it so happens he found a mysterious glowing crystal that just might be his ticket to Easy Street. But as is so often the case with glowing crystals of immeasurable power, Jed finds he is in competition for it, chiefly from greasy gangster Victor (Asparagus) and his henchmen. Things take a couple of turns for the complicated as first Ladera, then Kyla show up and people start to die and things start to blow up. Lots of things. This brings police detectives Carter (Brown) and Kelly (Morgan) onto the case as Jed and Ladera team up, countered by Victor at every turn, with sporadic Kyla attacks. Everybody travels all over the city to find as many places to "pay tribute" to as many scenes from The Terminator movies as possible. And maybe, just maybe, at one of these places, someone can find the answer to why this is called...Galaxis?

    With it a given that this is an "homage" stew of several science fiction and action flicks that came before, like Star Wars, Peacemaker, and I Come in Peace, it is indeed mainly the Terminator movies on whose cinematic skeleton this filmic Frankenstein is built. Ah, but who cares? If we close ourselves off to movies like this, we'd never watch a lot of Roger Corman's New World movies of the 70's and 80's, and very few Italian genre pictures. I mean, if you pick up a movie starring Brigitte Nielsen and Richard Moll, you must have some idea what you're getting into, right? And with an Asparagus on screen, and a Peach behind the camera, I gotta ask - was this movie put together at the Farmer's Market? There's even a table (Mesa) to serve them on!
    Speaking of him, director William Mesa started out in Visual Effects, first running the Introvision process for movies like Outland and Megaforce in the early 80's all the way up to Army of Darkness in the early 90's (which explains the out-of-nowhere Sam Raimi cameo at the beginning of the movie), before turning to directing a handful of movies in the mid 90's, then back to Visual Effects ever since on flicks as diverse as The Last Samurai, White Chicks, and Clash of the Titans '10. He brings his Bag of FX Tricks along with him for Galaxis, and we have special effects all over the place, from motion control to laser battles, from rotoscoped energy beams to the aforementioned stop motion and animatronics. He doesn't skimp on the physical effects either, with copious gun battles and explosions from beginning to end. The script is serviceable, if not particularly inspired, with a couple of funny lines amidst the mayhem. The acting is a mixed bag, as might be expected. Nielsen is her usual stoic self, with not one ounce of humor or irony anywhere but with enough presence to handle this lead (and she really is tall - in a scene where she morphs into Moll (don't ask) there's no appreciable change in their height from one to the other); as always, Moll only hits one note in his Screen Villainy, but it's an entertaining note; Brennan is lantern jawed and stalwart and not much else (nice mullet!). The standouts in the cast are the cops, with Brown and Morgan pretty funny and working well together, and Alan Fudge (a VERY familiar face, seemingly appearing in every television show produced in the 70's and 80's) handling his police chief deftly in his few minutes of screen time. I also like that portly Asparagus, who would have been brought on as a quick in-and-out joke bad guy in most movies, actually proves to be as big a threat as Moll's Space Villain, tenaciously turning up at the wrong moment throughout the movie with thugs in tow. All in all, I had a good time watching this movie, and think you might too! So track it down and give it a try!


Let's Get Out of Here ?

It took a while, but Fred Asparagus (I never get tired of writing that!) finally throws out The Line at 1:04:00 to tell his minions he'd like to avoid participating in Richard Moll's Terminator tribute in the police station, then again soon after at 1:06:45 when he decides he doesn't like the new place either.

Eye Candy ?

If you're into Nordic ice queen amazons (and really, who isn't?), then Brigitte Nielsen in the mid 90's is just the ticket.

And here she is in an never-produced attempt at a She-Hulk movie which I'm sticking in right here because I have no better place for it.

Buddha Man's Capsule Review

Buddha Man says "Galaxis is a pretty good movie starring some freakishly tall folks!"

   Thanks BM, and til next time, you Can Poke Me With A Fork, Cause I Am Outta Here!

While Venus Calls 911 Shouting...

The Earth Dies Screaming (20th Century Fox, 1964)

Before the Camera:

Willard Parker (A Slight Case of Murder)

Virginia Field (A Connecticut Yankee in King Arthur's Court - she was Morgan LeFay!)

Dennis Price (Theatre of Blood)

Thorley Walters (Great Britain's go-to man for Dr. Watson portrayals from 1962-1977, including The Adventure of Sherlock Holmes' Smarter Brother)

Vanda Godsell (The Pink Panther Strikes Again)

David Spenser (Carry On...Up the Khyber)

Anna Palk (Horror on Snape Island aka Tower of Evil - UK (original title)

                                                       aka Beyond the Fog - USA (reissue title)
                                                       aka Horror of Snape Island - Canada (English title)


Behind the Camera:

Directed by Terence Fisher

Produced by Robert L. Lippert and Jack Parsons

Written by Henry Cross

We get off to a ripping start as several people around England are shown collapsing, some of them at the controls of various air and ground vehicles - trains derail, cars crash, planes drop from the sky.We then meet American test pilot Jeff Nolan (Parker) who survived whatever that was and now seeks refuge in a small British pub while he plans what to do next. He then finds himself facing down the barrel of a shotgun wielded by Taggart (Price) and his companion Peggy (Field). (Lesson #1: Right after the end of the world, keep your freakin hand on your freakin gun!) But after a tense moment, the trio decides to band together to figure out what happened. But both Taggart and Peggy are somewhat mysterious, lending a slightly ominous air to the partnership. As the three make their way around, they find copious dead bodies from the attack, all lying where they fell. Soon after they are joined by Edgar (Walters) and Vi (Godsell) who establish themselves as light comedy relief of the randy adulterous sort, and then Mel (Spenser) and Lorna (Palk) show up to round out the gang as added conflict (Mel's belligerent and Lorna's pregnant). Hail hail, the gang's all here, and they move on in their search for anyone else alive. Everyone compares stories, and it turns out all seven were using an isolated air supply when the Bad Thing happened, pointing to some kind of gas attack that they assume was launched by an enemy foreign power as the start of a war. While everyone ponders this theory, two figures in what appear to be hazmat suits are spotted. But an attempt at direct contact with these individuals reveals they aren't the authorities mopping up...but the second phase of the attack...and it definitely originated much further away than they originally thought...maybe even from Out There...  Once the hazmat guys prove themselves lethal, things take another turn for the worse when they start zapping the corpses lying around into white eyed zombies who then become the third phase of the attack...an attack which may only end when The Earth Dies Screaming!

The community theater auditions for Annie aren't until next week, sorry.

This turned out to be a well made if low key British science fiction flick. As often happens with these movies, the opening few minutes could have been the start of an episode of The Avengers, or Doctor Who. But there are no bowler hats or blue police boxes here. There is an American lead actor though, which was a weird habit these British movies had at the time, I guess to make the film more marketable across the Big Pond. I always find this a little weird, because the American actor is pretty much never a "name" (Who the heck is Willard Parker?) but it seemed to work for them and they did it a lot. Parker is fine in the role, and the rest of the cast is veddy British and up to the tasks presented them here. If you watch a lot of British films or TV from the period then Price and Walters are definitely going to be familiar faces, the rest, probably not so much. The hazmat guys are pretty cool, the blank eyed zombies are actually creepy, and the movie does not overstay its welcome, clocking in at a trim 62 minutes. It's not a slambang thrill a minute flick, but if you don't mind a calmer pace this one is definitely worth a look. It's on an MGM double feature DVD with Chosen Survivors, not a bad pair up I must say.




Let's Get Out of Here ?

At about 36:55, David Spenser uses The Line to propose peace through evacuation.






Eye Candy ?

Based on her World Class Legs alone, Virginia Field totters right onto the list in her pencil skirt and high heels.

Buddha Man's Capsule Review

Buddha Man says "The Earth Dies Screaming is a good preview of December 21st, 2012."

Til next time, you Can Poke Me With A Fork, Cause I Am Outta Here!