|Hey, I just poured my blood sweat and tears into making a movie,|
who should I get to give me a review blurb? Oh, I know, how about
a convicted child molester!
At this point, not letting Buddha Man finish out the quartet would just perturb my ADD. So take it away, you little golden devil!
Dreamland (Allumination Filmworks, 2007) After a cryptic opening set in 1973 that provided one small neat moment when a creepy clown knick knack turned its eyes to follow a man walking across the room - we move to the modern day and meet Meghan (Jackie Kreisler) and Dylan (Shane Elliott) while they pass the evening in their little trailer during a storm. Soon after they are driving through the Nevada desert to visit her foster parents, and Meghan thinks she sees a little girl alone out in the desert. They stop at an alien themed structure that at times seems to be a diner and at times seems to be a bar - in any case, the little joint is trying to cash in on its proximity to Area 51. Meghan and Dylan meet up with bartender Blake (Jonathan Breck - usually shlepping gallons of latex as The Creeper for child molesting douchebag Victor Salva in the Jeepers Creepers movies), who tells the couple stories about UFOs and his sister, missing for years. Of course, he believes she was abducted by aliens. Hmmm....where have I heard that one before?
|Make up your own joke caption. Something with "eyes" in it, like "Looks like the eyes have it!" Go on. |
I'm tired of talking about this movie, and we've still got half a review to go!
The couple take off from the diner but they run into weirdness out in the desert darkness and end up returning. In the meantime, the worst Men in Black in film history show up at the diner - wearing the black pants, white shirts, black ties, and sunglasses, but completely missing the black jackets, meaning they instead look more like bored accountants out horsing around instead of sinister government agents. They are also accompanied by a brassy "comedy" jazz theme that was sound mixed 400 times louder than the loudest dialogue in the movie, forcing me to turn my TV volume from 18 to 2 as I was watching late at night with guests in the house - and it was still too loud. It also lingered into the next scene while fading out for about three minutes. If I hadn't already been mind numbed by the twaddle of this incoherently useless X Files wannabe - this moronic music choice and mix by director James Lay would have put the final nail in this cinematic coffin. I could have cheerfully throttled him for pretty much the rest of the movie - never mind the apparitions outside - or the carjacking Hitler (?!?)
Lastly, if you can't see the ending coming about halfway through the brief but interminable 77 minutes of its running time - get a new hobby. Skip this one with all your might.
This was by far the most terrible of the movies assigned to me for this round, so I give the PT Prize for hurting me to Wolf Ninja over at Gaming Creatively. Well played, sir.
Thank you for handling these four reviews, Buddha me lad.
And that completes my assignment for Round Six of Project Terrible. Let's see if an invite to Round Seven is forthcoming - in the meantime, you Can Poke Me With A Fork, Cause I Am Outta Here!