Project Terrible: The Telling!

For this sixth round of Project Terrible (the first for LGOOH) - there are four participants - meaning everyone got three movies - one from each of the other participants. But "bonus" PT movies have popped up on each of my colleagues' blogs, including Maynard's review of Goth - the movie he assigned to Alec at Mondo Bizarro - so in the same vein - here's my "bonus" PT movie - the flick I assigned to Maynard  - The Telling!

The Telling (Prometheus Entertainment, 2009) I found myself becoming a fan of the cheesy 'reality' show The Girls Next Door on E! after one of the girls, Bridget Marquardt, participated in the 2007 show The Search for the Next Elvira. I don't think anyone expected Bridget to be chosen as the new Mistress of the Dark, her appearance on the show was more for promotional value for both shows.

Bridget "trying out" for
The Next Elvira

    And she was so cute and funny on TSNE that I started to watch her and her pals Holly Madison and Kendra Wilkinson as they cavorted around the Playboy Mansion with the ancient (and rather endearing) Hugh M. Hefner doddering after them. One of the episodes dealt with the production of a horror movie that Bridget was producing and acting in, along with Holly in a featured role. This is the movie that resulted.

    We open with a poolside party hosted by Brianna and her mom to celebrate her pledging Omega Kappa Kappa, the hottest sorority on campus. Then Stephanie (Holly Madison), fetching in a bikini and the leader of the Om Kaps (my nickname for them, by the way) proves herself to be less than a nice person (rhymes with twitch) and reveals that although she and the other sorority sisters have enjoyed the party, Brianna is most certainly not what the sorority is looking for. Brianna runs off crying, and moments later is found dead, a suicide.

Holly's on the right, wearing the Jolliest Roger ever.

"One Year Later" the film begins in earnest as Omega Kappa Kappa pledges three new girls chosen (at the Dean's insistence) for their minds instead of their looks. The Om Kaps, still led by Stephanie, treat the pledges shabbily, with lots of insults and catty chatting before settling down to the final test for the new girls: each must present a treat, then tell a scary story to the sorority sisters. After each has a chance to wow the judges, two pledges will make it into the sorority. The first girl brings pretzels, then tells a story of a young woman living with her boyfriend, and much to her consternation, the boyfriend's ex who has come back to town and is looking for a new place to live. After spending a fair amount of its brief running time on this soap opera, the story remembers it's supposed to be scary so the boyfriend brings home a creepy doll that talks when you pull a string, and you can pretty much see where this one is going from that point. The second sorority pledge has wine, and tells a story of an aging actress (Bridget, brave to be acknowledging the years) who travels to Romania to meet with a fabled foreign film director for a part in his new project. Things get really weird after this, with absinthe-fueled hallucinations and a film crew who all share a sinister secret. The third girl baked cookies, and she tells the story of a trio of young women whose prank phone calls bring a serial killer to their house. Finally, the wraparound story becomes a wrapup story and the movie ends.

Bridget - actress, producer, Girl Next Door.

    Well, I liked the episode of The Girls Next Door about the making of this movie, anyway. Before I ever put the DVD in the player, I dialed my expectations rheostat all the way down for this one. But turns out it couldn't go low enough. I don't mind that the movie is low budget. I don't mind that the stories are all well worn, to say the least. I don't mind that the acting is adequate at best. I do mind a horror movie with no scares, no gore, and precious little nudity! Especially one with a Playmate producing and several Playmates onscreen that was shot in and around the Playboy Mansion! As far as the stories go, the first one is best, at least setting up some potential scares with that doll, but it ends up going nowhere. The second story is weird and little else, despite Bridget's presence. The third story is tired, and acknowledging you're ripping off I Saw What You Did by having a character say "I heard what you did" into a phone does not excuse you. The wraparound story fares best, but it's also wearyingly on the nose, and if you can't see where it's going early on, get a new hobby. As far as the production goes, the script is rote the and direction is adequate, no more, no less. The acting all seems pretty good while everyone's healthy and happy, then becomes far less so when anyone has to be upset or scared. It's a horror film, so mark that as "not good." I think everyone wears their own clothes, so no marks for wardrobe, and the makeup and special effects are both so minimal they can't even be judged. Sad to say, but mark this one as a total loss. Sorry girls!



And until next post, you Can Poke Me With A Fork, Cause I Am Outta Here!