The Video Vault of Mora Tau! 2/9/11

Let's dig in and see what mind bending video clip we can find....


Yep, that oughta do it...

In 1978, at the age of 32, Timothy Dalton romanced 85 year old Mae West in the movie Sextette. And you wonder why I'm obsessed with movies from this time? Where else are you going to get James Bond crooning Captain and Tennille music to an actress who'd been performing professionally for more than 70 years by this time?!?!


As always, thanks to the clip's poster, and til next time, you Can Poke Me With A Fork, Cause I Am Outta Here!

Maniacal Movie Poster Monday #2!

Before we start - one quick announcement!!!
This is my 100th blog post!
Huzzah!


Now back to your regularly scheduled posting...



Here we go again - three pieces of art that worked as hard as they could to get your tush into a theater seat...

The Swinging Cheerleaders  (Centaur, 1974)

If there were no other reasons to watch this - Colleen Camp would be two of them.

The Beast Within  (United Artists, 1982)

I liked this movie - even if it does feature a man turning into a cicada.

Warlords of Atlantis  (Columbia Pictures, 1978)

Man, Doug McClure had a run making flicks like this in the 70's - so cool!

Til next post, you Can Poke Me With A Fork, Cause I Am Outta Here!

Deoderant Revenge? Oh, thought you said "Roll-On Vengeance!"

Rolling Vengeance  (Nelson Entertainment, 1988)

Before the Camera:

Don Michael Paul  (Alien from L.A.)
Lawrence Dane  (Scanners)
Lisa Howard (Replikator)
Michael J. Reynolds  (The Descent Part 2)
Michael Kirby  (Meatballs)
Susan Hogan  (Disturbing Behavior)
Barclay Hope  (TV's Eureka)
and
Ned Beatty  (Superman the Movie)


Behind the Camera

Directed by Steven Hilliard Stern

Produced by Jack E. Freedman, Jeffrey M. Sneller, and Steven Hilliard Stern

Written by Michael Thomas Montgomery



This revenge opus came to the world from the wilds of Canada, bringing us the story of Joey Rosso (Paul) the handsome truck drivin' son of Big Joe Rosso (Dane), the rugged truck drivin' father of...er, well, Joey Rosso. We jump right in on the road as the filmmakers try to pass Canada off as Ohio and Joey manhandles the family big rig down the road with a trailer full of beer and liquor bound for the local watering hole, Doyle's. That establishment is run by Tiny Doyle (Beatty), quite the local businessman, also running a used car lot next door and maintaining a liquor license even though his place is picketed weekly by MADD members, including Joey's girlfriend Misty (Howard). And in addition to a girlfriend with a cause, Joey also has a friendly driving competition going with his pal Steve Tyler (Hope), although I'm not sure how Tyler balanced driving a semi truck through Canada and touring with Aerosmith...then again, maybe that semi was a disguised tour bus...
    But I digress.
    The Rossos are good at what they do, and Big Joe has even scrimped and saved enough for a second semi to double the Rosso Delivery Service, delighting Joey, and Mom Rosso (Hogan) and Joey's little sisters. This means even less time for Joey to hang out with Misty and work on his mysterious secret project in the barn, but it's all good, because family is all they've got. (Well, except for two semi trucks and a big barn). However, it turns out the heat is on for the Rosso family, and it's about to reach the Doyling Point. Tiny has five sons - each from a different marriage, with the oldest named Vic, and the rest sporting wonderful monikers like Moon Man, Hair Lip, Finger, and Four Eyes, (at least in the credits -  as they are never name checked in the flick.) This DIY group of village idiots like to drink, embarrass their daddy, drink, ogle the strippers at Doyles', drink, and cause traffic accidents, like the one that involves them and Steve Tyler and his truck that claims the lives of all three Rosso women. Kind of a case of Doyle M for Murder, but unfortunately, thanks to Tiny's behind-the-scenes wheeling-dealing (I'm thinking the judge's bar tab at Doyle's disappeared and he was the sudden recipient of the "Free Lap Dances for Life" gift card) the sword of justice does not fall on the Doyle boys. They are let off with a $300 fine. Big Joe and Joey are gobsmacked, but try to pick up the pieces of their lives. However, Tiny's youngins aren't done with the Rossos yet and prove to be Doyle Pains a short time later when a shellshocked Big Joe is taken out in an impressively mounted jackknifed truck sequence that earned the stunt team their pay that week.
    Joey is gobsmacked² and starts thinking about some revenge. He heads back out to the barn, and forgoes sleep, food, and drink but not some power chords as a great 80's cheese tune clues us in to The Montage which then shows us Joey either finishing his original project, or changing his project into some kind of Rolling Vengeance. Soon after, in the wee hours of the morning a huge tank of a monster truck shows up at Doyles' used car lot and squishes every junker car...er, I mean, fine automobile Tiny had on the lot. Somehow, despite the fact that this is a noisy proposition, and that the crusher is a flame-spouting skyscraper on wheels the size of merry-go-rounds, nobody sees nothing and that truck disappears back to where it came from.
But even the stupid Doyle boys are not that stupid, and they take their final shot at Joey - they kidnap and assault Misty.
    That sound you just heard was the two pieces of the Final Straw hitting the ground, and moments later that big ol' monster truck is back on the road, and much like Tim Dalton once said: Joey's had a "few optional extras installed;" stuff like a giant four foot long drill bit, and cutters, and just about anything you could want to go running all over hill and Doyle seeking revenge...


SUNDAY SUNDAY SUNDAY...!

This was some fine Canucksploitation, painfully earnest and awesomely silly and coming together into a nice little cinematic package courtesy director Stern. The cast is mostly okay, though some of the lesser lights are a little wobbly, but the top billed duo of Paul and Dane do well as the tough guy truckers. Acting honors, though, go to the one, the only Ned Beatty, who pulls out all the stops as the sleazy Doyle, from the rat tail mullet to the leather pants, from the hilarious snide remarks to his sons to the sheen of sweat coating him through most of the picture. And he does a nice job playing the guy ostensibly nice at the beginning, although we're well aware just who the bad guy is going to be from the moment he steps into view. The stunt work is handled adroitly and the action is parceled out in regular doses, balancing the drama as people named Rosso keep dying off every few minutes. I'm not sure the final attack on Misty was necessary, as losing 80% of your family to drunken shenanigans perpetrated by five ne'er-do-well losers seems reason enough to start running over said losers with a wheeled behemoth without having to resort to a rape scene, but they went there, so the final justice Joey deals out is satisfying to watch. Of course, a movie about a big giant killer truck needs a really good giant killer truck in it. Thankfully, the truck (which should have been called Rolling Vengeance onscreen so I could call it RV now) is a pretty good movie star vehicle. It is so armored it lacks a bit in the "face" department, but the big stacks blowing flames make up for that a lot. And even though it's not likely you'll ever find a Snap Tite ™ Rolling Vengeance truck at your local hobby shop, I did find one fan who went the distance...see below...

Man, there's an opportunity Tonka missed out on.

Now that's a fan right there! So, wrapping up, it's everything you could want in an 80's high concept revenge flick, with action, sleaze, a little nudity, some violence and some solid stunts topped off with some great cheesy pop music and The Montage. What more could anyone ask?

Let's Get Out of Here ?

At around the 57:00 mark, one of the Doyle boys (they're a wee bit interchangeable, so not sure which one) spots the title coming right for him.

Eye Candy ?


Although Tiny Doyle's bar does give us some glimpses of his strippers, they're not around long enough. And Lisa Howard, while quite fetching, does not have the va-va-va-voom necessary to score the prize. Sorry ladies.



 

Buddha Man's Capsule Review



Buddha Man says "Rolling Vengeance trucks in a load of
entertainment for those so inclined."

Thanks as always, BM, and til next post, you Can Poke Me With A Fork, Cause I Am Outta Here!

Saturday Night at the Movies 2/5/11

Who cares what picture we see?


My Blu-Ray/VHS combo player does not - so it could be anything from the Video Vault - like this one...

After two fun and goofy divergences from Romero's original - a new set of filmmakers gave us this twisted love story with zombies...and we could watch it tonight if you drop by...

Til next time, you Can Poke Me With A Fork, Cause I Am Outta Here!

Battle for the Planet of the Buddha Man!

Buddha Man lays it all out!







Happy.


JCVD  (Peace Arch Entertainment Group, 2008)  Jean Claude Van Damme was never one of my favorite action stars - even movies that others really enjoyed like Bloodsport - across dozens of movies I have only ever been a fan of two of his efforts: Timecop and The Quest. Well, time to add a third. In this flick the Muscles from Brussels plays...Jean-Claude Van Damme, an aging action star on a downswing in his life. He's tired of bashing his body brutally through low grade stuntfests directed by youngsters almost as arrogant as he was back in the day, and he's in the middle of a contentious custody battle for his daughter. He heads back to Belgium to recharge his batteries. Things take a turn for the even worse when Van Damme steps into a post office in his hometown to wire some money back to his American lawyer to continue the custody battle - and moments later the post office is being robbed! Witnesses see the very recognizable face of Van Damme locking the place up - could the actor have lost it and gone rogue? The police think so, and so begins a standoff with Van Damme and several other people locked inside, and dozens of police officers and even more media types surrounding the place.


Have you ever noticed that large bump on Van Damme's forehead?
You think you'll ever be able to not notice it again?

This is a very clever and well made movie, not exactly a standard issue JCVD flick, but something a bit removed from that. Van Damme plays himself here, and yet he doesn't (the real world actor has a son, not a daughter, for one) but he does it well, interacting charmingly with a couple of fans outside the post office in the early moments of the movie, and getting in some good soul searching and one really cool monologue inside the building. I've always felt a weird disdain from JCVD in most of his films, but as he ages, this seems to be getting replaced with a little more self deprecation and grace, increasing his likability immensely. As for the movie - the cinematography is artfully washed out, with the lack of bright color mirroring the exhaustion Van Damme feels in his life as he approaches fifty. There is some suspense, there is some humor, there is a little action, and there are definitely subtitles (although there might be a dubbed version on the DVD as well). If you like movies that mix a little of the real with a little of the artifice of film, this is definitely recommended - if you're a Van Damme fan, this is a definite - if you're an action junkie, it's more a maybe since the dramatics outweigh the acrobatics - but for almost everyone I'd say check this one out!




Road to Morocco  (Paramount, 1942)  Bob Hope and Bing Crosby take another long trip and once again find Dorothy Lamour waiting at the end of it in this, the third of the Road pictures. Jeff (Crosby) and Orville (Hope) find themselves adrift after their ship sinks (wonder whose fault THAT was?) and wash ashore in northwestern Africa. After a rousing rendition of the title tune (which I like to sing small snatches of at inopportune moments) the boys find themselves in the palace of Princess Shalmar (Lamour) the lovely Grand Pooh Bette of the local sand dunes. But she's trying to duck the unwanted attentions of sheik Mullay Kasim (Anthony Quinn) and soon, amidst much bantering, adlibbing, insulting, and singing, Bob and Bing join her for a big escape.

Anthony Quinn shops the Paramount gift shop's selections of
celebrity busts between setups.

You don't really review a Road picture, because they are kind of uncritiqueable. They have no real plot to speak of, and generally the only people watching them are fans who already enjoy them. But, that said, this is a goodie, with some great verbal jousting between B+B, good villainy from Quinn, and plenty of pulchritude from Lamour and Dona Drake as another Palace Hottie. Definitely give this one a try, and when you do, watch for the unscripted bit thrown in by a camel, with real reactions from Hope and Crosby!


And of course I'm not going to review one of
these movies and miss a chance to feature
the lovely Miss Dorothy Lamour!









Sad.


Pistol Whipped  (Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, 2008)  I'd been studiously avoiding watching any of the direct to video latter day Steven Seagal flicks for a while, but then I just got to missing the big lug, so I sat down with this one. Steve plays Matt, a hard drinking, out of shape ex cop who has let himself go after being kicked off the force for allegedly stealing money from an evidence locker. Now he drinks too much, gambles too much, loses too much, and spends too little time with his daughter. Then he is approached by minions of The Old Man (Lance Henriksen), a shadowy figure who has bought up all of his outstanding gambling markers, which total 7 figures, and is given an ultimatum - become a hit man for The Old Man, or face dire consequences. Steve's initial reaction is a soft, underacted 'no' but when he realizes the intended targets are all really bad guys who are beyond the law, he gets off the sauce and goes on the offensive, icing several wiseguys and terrorist types using his old Special Forces skills. But something about the whole setup rings false, and soon Matt can't tell the good guys from the bad...




Holy Ed Wood's wife's chiropractor!

 One of the reasons I'd not watched much of SS's recent stuff is that I sensed he wasn't fully engaged in most of them, and this was confirmed by some online acquaintances who make movies like this who divulged that Steve was really into being doubled in as much of his 21st century movies as possible. And I'm not talking just about the fighting. Basically you would apparently only get Seagal on set for medium closeups and closeups, and the rest would all be photographic doubles. I wanted to see if this was true, and sure enough, several times in the course of this movie, a weirdly angled long shot of Matt going to his car or walking around is obviously a double. Seagal is around for a fair amount of the fighting here, but with his added bulk he is not the striking snake of old, more a lumbering bear who is much assisted by the editor into regaining his lost speed. (And as an aside - I noticed Seagal's tendency toward added weight as far back as my 1991 review of Out for Justice - toot toot on my own horn). So, you have a lead actor who is only about 60% engaged in the 60% of his scenes that he actually appears in. That math adds up to only a little entertainment value. There are some good moments in this, to be sure, and Henriksen is always a welcome presence, but this one's only for action junkies hard up for a fix or Seagal or Henriksen completists. If you do watch, see if you can spot one time Captain America Matt Salinger (yes, son of J.D.) as a poker dealer. Otherwise, give this one a miss.


That will complete our time together today. And always remember - shadows stay behind or in front, never on top - and doubles always face away from camera.

The Video Vault of Mora Tau! 2/3/11

Let's take a trip into the forgotten repository of all things wild, wacky, and wonderful and see what we find...



Here's a fun Vincent Price interview from a 1973 Tonight Show. Many thanks to the poster of this clip.

 

That clip disappeared - here instead is a British talk show - Aspel & Co - and the 1984 clip features the unlikely teaming of Vincent Price, Dudley Moore, and Lulu in a little musical number. Charming!

Til next time, you Can Poke Me With A Fork, Cause I Am Outta Here!

The Angels aren't the only ones...

Tortured Angels - aka Strike of the Tortured Angels  (Asso Asia Films, 1982)




Sure, why shouldn't the pic of the poster be
 as visually muddy as the print I watched?




Before the Camera:

"Susan Lee"   (psuedonym)
"Stella Jone"   (fake name)
"George Bill"  (alias)
"Larry Moore"  (nom de acting)
"Jim Man"  (nickname)
and
Laura Sode-Matteson (a waitress 11 times on TV's original Hawaii 5-0!)




Behind the Camera:

Directed by "Roy Rosenberg"

Produced by "Kenneth Holl"

Written by "Gary Capra Jr." and "Dick O'Nell"


 
 
Ah, the venerable women-in-prison (WIP) flick. Was there ever a genre of film more rigidly formatted? (Much like a prisoner's schedule...come to think of it...) You got your opening sequence outside the prison, where your lead character commits a crime or gets framed; you have a quick trial sequence - so quick it usually picks up with the judge banging his gavel to signify the end of the trial; you get the exit from the van at the prison; the tough talk from some of the other new arrivals, and sometimes a beatdown of one of them to establish how mean and tough the guards are; the first humiliations during processing; receiving the standard issue prison garb; the first of usually several shower scenes; the first fight over territory (i.e. top or bottom bunk?) the guards showing they'll be no help; the introduction of the warden, either pleasant but ineffectual, or vicious and sadistic and plenty effectual; allies and enemies on the block are established; the weak willed ally either goes mad and dies trying a mad dash to freedom, or is tricked into an isolated spot (usually the showers) and killed by the lead villain; and finally, one of two climaxes: The Big Breakout™ or The Final Battle with the Baddie™.
    Here we have an Asian WIP movie, and as they so often do, the Asian filmmakers put their own unique spin on the format:
    They do almost none of the above.
    There are some women in prison. One guard is kind of mean, but only around sometimes and really more stern than mean. There are no shower scenes, and for an exploitation flick it stays awfully chaste, with precisely one tush onscreen briefly. There's no plot in the prison, and around the halfway mark the filmmakers seem to grow bored of the prison (they weren't the only ones) and have the three leads escape. They head to the home of the lead character's sister, and the prison doctor follows them there, and the whole thing turns into more of a talky soap opera than a WIP flick.
    This is truly some wretched filmmaking. Check out those fake Americanized credits up there. It's just chintzy from the get-go, and never delivers anything you're looking for when you sit down to watch a movie like this. There is, however, one aspect of this movie that will forever mark it in my mind. Here is a visual aid:



speechless...

 That's right. The African American woman in the lead trio is not African American. She's not even African Asian. She's instead played by an Asian woman in blackface and afro wig. In the 1980's. I kept thinking I was wrong. But you can see for yourself. Why they couldn't bring in an appropriate actress for the role I will never know. I will say one positive thing for this wrongheaded enterprise: at least the woman dubbing her does nothing to "play it black;" instead giving her a very middle of the road voice so at least it doesn't go that extra step across the line.
    Nonetheless - this is a unforgivably clean piece of filmic trash that should give you a new hobby: Not Watching It.




Let's Get Out of Here ?

Around 49:18, the actress pictured above is tired of playing with bikers.
 


 
Eye Candy ?  


No.
 
 

Buddha Man's Capsule Review



Buddha Man says "Tortured Angels was shot in Hong Kong. Sadly, it recovered."



Yup. Til next post, you Can Poke Me With A Fork, Cause I Am Outta Here!