Shark! The Herald Buddha Man Sings!

He's been missing from the blog for far too long - so let's turn this post right over to him for a little review fun!

The Last Shark   (Film Ventures, International, 1982)   I first encountered this movie under the title of Great White in 1982 – when I think Siskel and Ebert made it the Dog of the Week, and certainly when Uncle Bob Martin wrote about it in his cool Castle Fango newsletter – which was printed on the yellow wrapping paper they mailed subscriber copies in – it was his as-close-to-up-to-the-minute-as-possible column where he was a little more free to write what he wanted – as no one at Starlog Press was looking over his shoulder for this one segment. What he wrote about Great White was that Universal had successfully sued it off American movie screens where it had been having a solid if unspectacular run for two weeks.



Of course, making the movie unreachable just increased its already sky high cachet in my eyes – a Jaws ripoff, and apparently a Jaws ripoff so close to the original a US judge agreed to remove it from theater screens. I wanted to see it so bad I could taste it.




Ron "I'm not Quint" Hamer and Peter "Could be Benchley"
Benton meet Mayor William "Where's my anchor blazer"
Wells...

I worked for one of the actors in it for most of the 90's. I've had dinner with its director more than once. And it still took decades, but I finally saw it.


I hope the judge from 1982 spent the money Universal gave him wisely – or spent it wildly, depending. While it certainly copies a few scenes from Universal’s franchise – and those bits are cribbed more from Jaws II than Jaws, by the by – no way could this be considered such a plagiarized copy that it should have been withdrawn as it was.


So that aside – how was the play, Mrs. Lincoln?


In the small American beach town of Port Harbor, trouble rises when a 35 feet long Great White shark shows up in the waters off shore, eating a couple of windsurfers as an opening salvo. It doesn’t take long for local author Peter Benton - not Peter Benchley, mind you -  (James Franciscus – imported American star #1) and local salty sea dog Ron Hamer (Vic Morrow – imported American star #2 - complete with variable Irish/Scottish accent) to start ringing the Shark Bell – but wouldn’t you know it? No one believes them, especially not the mayor, who wants to make sure the forthcoming windsurfing regatta goes off without a hitch.

Vic Morrow considered this all the rehearsal he needed. Let's roll those cameras!

After the shark gives its presence away, the town encloses the harbor area in shark proof netting/fencing and proceeds with the regatta. However, this is no ordinary shark – this is The Last Shark (Or the Great White, or the Last Jaws, whichever title it had in your neck of the woods) and it bites right through that barrier, which serves as a tasty appetizer for the main course – windsurfer tartare. Once he’s munched the regatta to pieces, it’s open season on anyone in, above, below, or near the water, because this shark proves White Sharks CAN Jump. He eats the mayor, a helicopter, a dock, and several huge pieces of chummed meat – and that’s not counting the neverending stream of youths led by Franciscus’s daughter Jenny (Stefania Girolami Goodwin – the director’s daughter and one of my former bosses in the industry on several projects) who keep trying to catch or kill him. Once he lunches on Jenny’s leg, Benton has had enough, and he sets out with Hamer for a last stand at sea. But will anything be able to stop – The Last Shark? Or Great White? Or The Last Jaws?


This turned out to be a typically entertaining Italian shark flick. Its reputation has grown a bit past its reality, but it’s got nearly everything you’d want in a movie like this, lacking only some gratuitous nudity to seal the deal – although the director’s daughter does perform one scene in a wet white shirt with no bra – which makes her screen father hard pressed to maintain his paternal parental persona. The shark is performed by a fair amount of real shark footage, especially in the early going. Finally, this fellow turns up:

No, not the nattily dressed fellow in front!

And the movie kicked into high gear, as for the rest of the running time the shark is alternately played by the big head, the real footage, and a miniature shark that I estimate to be between 12 and 24 inches long – which is just how I like Italian shark movies to do it. Director Castellari hits all the right notes with workmanlike skill – and the locations – Savannah Georgia for the town and Malta for the ocean – add visual appeal. If you like movies that certainly have an…awareness, shall we say, of movies that have come before – and you especially don’t mind when they have an aroma of fresh oregano and garlic about them – I highly recommend this flick. Of course, its rarity may mean you have to come watch it with me – but that’s fine – I can sit through it again!











2-Headed Shark Attack  (The Asylum, 2012)    The Asylum gives us another of their by-now formula creature features, this time with a side by side double headed mutant shark swimming the seas and eating twice as many people as your average movie shark! After an opening appetizer of a couple of SCUBA divers, the shark(s) take a powder to allow us time to “get to know” (read: recognize the stock character types of) our main cast. Charlie O’Connell and Carmen Electra are married college professors taking a class of students including Brooke Hogan (daughter of the Hulkster) and the requisite number of guys with post-collegiate hairlines out on a “Semester at Sea.” It doesn’t take long for the shark(s) to find their boat – and of course it is damaged in the hubbub. Now the ship’s aground on the shore of this uncharted desert isle – wait, that’s not right, that’s the lyrics to Gilligan’s Island – sorry – the ship stays offshore with Electra and two crewman attempting repairs while O’Connell and the kids explore a nearby atoll. From that point forward, like clockwork – someone goes for a swim (initially) or falls into the water (later when they know the shark(s) is/are around) where the mostly CGI beastie(s) make short work of them. Running, boating, jumping, swimming, and screaming all ensue. Who will survive and what will be left of them?

While it doesn’t break new ground or try to reinvent the wheel, this is a satisfying “chew ‘em up and spit ‘em out” flick, thanks in no small part to director Christopher Douglas-Olen Ray (son of LGOOH Fave Director Fred Olen Ray), who keeps the movie moving and wisely supplements the CGI with some big foam rubber shark heads in the attack scenes. The scenery is gorgeous, and the cinematography is crisp. Speaking of gorgeous – roughly 2/3 of the cast is nubile young women in bikinis – and we even get one scene where two nubile young women are OUT of their bikinis!

The acting is adequate – O’Connell has come a long way since his 90’s performances; Electra still looks amazing and handles her underwritten role with aplomb; Hogan is at least as good an actor as her father; and the other cast members range from okay to pretty good. Perhaps my only quibble is the lack of a veteran actor anywhere in the cast – a cameo from someone like a Jay Richardson or Corbin Bernsen – grizzled old guy on the atoll – easy exposition if needed – or harbormaster worried about the boat and her crew – something like that. It’s something that always seems to turn up in the elder Ray’s movies – Ray junior could add a little extra spice with someone like that here.

In the end this was a comfort food movie – maybe not great for you – but filling your entertainment belly pretty painlessly. If you’re inclined to enjoy such movies by all means check this one out. If you’ve grown tired of these CGI monster movies you might not enjoy this as much as I did.





Thank you Buddha Man! Until next post, you Can Poke Me With A Fork, Cause I Am Outta Here!